Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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