census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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