i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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