i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is Oprah even human
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.