i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
