listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
