We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.