that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
23 Ladies Who Have Mastered The Art Of Squirting
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream