There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
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You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
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I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work