i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
