I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize