grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
