Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
