Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
