So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There's always time for handjobs
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
