Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
