I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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