i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i've created a new STD.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
