by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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