how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
