my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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