God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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