I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
did i just pee glitter
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
