she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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