Im at strip club and am horny
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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