My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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