My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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