Me. At least after what I've been through.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just high enough for therapy.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
