somebody snuck up and got me drunk
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
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and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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