It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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