I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
