why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
high people should be assigned attendants
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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