eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
