capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
