ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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