I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
