Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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