kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
