I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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