she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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