Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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