I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
