You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
