haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
