I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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