the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
