You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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