Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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