watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Go christen that room with your naked body.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
