Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
