New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
