I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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