I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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