Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
