glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
