dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
