Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
