apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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