I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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